Post-Holy Week Guilt

Spending what was supposed to be a summer holiday under the sun has left me, not only with browner skin, but a muddy-stained conscience, as well.

Growing up, Holy Week was observed with much piety and reflection, partly influenced by the stiffling dictates of a rigid Catholic school, but mostly because of parents who believed in old folks' tales of evil spirits who freely walked the earth immediately preceeding the Good Friday of Christ's death. As a consequence, we were raised believing in rather stiff spiritual absolution mixed with a good deal of fearful superstition.

University came, and with it a mini-renaissance. Let out to run free in the world, or at least a world as big as our financial resources would allow, my siblings and I eschewed most things religious and embraced with abandon all things hedonistic. This included leaving out the “holy” in Holy Week, and cavorting in beaches, under waterfalls, or beside rivers, as soon as this long Catholic holiday hit the calendars.

Lately, though, as I get on in years, and my own children frolic in waters I vowed never to taint with fanatic religious fervor or superstitious belief, I feel a gaeity that is shallow, and a happiness colored in a new shade called empty.

Afterwards, I seek out the churches of my youth, and sit staring at the altar wondering how to get closer. Because I have been feeling so far away, and so out of touch. Perhaps, I should reflect more? Or finish my prayers before I fall asleep? Abstain? Fast?

I read somewhere that guilt is the sole province of a vengeful Christian God, or at least the God His Church professes He is. No other religion inspires so much flagellation of back and conscience, particularly for Catholics during the Holy Week. Enlightened and very much aware of the world, I still fall prey to this blight of consciousness.

An ex-boyfriend once regaled me of his family's tradition of doing the stations of the cross at several churches during the Holy Week. This struck me as fairly restrictive at the time. Why relive scenes of pain and suffering, over and over and over again, in the repressive first heat of summer, when the siren call of the sea and the inviting whisper of tropical palms beckoned. Ever a creature of the sun, I heeded each call.

I look at my children now, eyes and teeth shining white in their newly browned faces, and I wonder if the road I am paving for them will eventually lead to a hollow spiritual core. The same core now echoing my teeny voice in a cavernous dark, over and over and over.

Atonement

Atonement isn't all that difficult it seems, but accomplishing it is an excruciating exercise. You're aware of your attempt to make amends, and the brutal truth is, it doesn't make you feel any better about yourself.

I make another foray into the job market, chauffered by my sister Dada and her fiance. On the way back from what seems like a morning full of hope, I stop by a novelty store and get Woog a Transformers whiteboard. It is my attempt at atonement, and a sorry excuse at trying to forgive myself.

Dada laughs at me and my all too apparent intent to compensate for my shortcomings, but she stands by me anyway, nodding with approval as I make my purchase. In this, I am very much my mother's daughter. Plagued by guilt and maternal insecurity, but too busy to do much about it. Instead I shower my offspring with too many material possessions, whether they need it or not.

That Woog goes into paroxysms of delight when I give the present to him doesn't help my conscience any one bit. And so I hang up his whiteboard and he spends endless moments loudly planning what to write on it, practically oblivious to his mother standing by his side.

The next morning I take a peek at it after he leaves for school, and a fresh wave of guild assails me. Despite everything I have done, my son loves me. Would that he would do so forever...

Woog's notes to self

No Salvation

...and sometimes I drown in words, my eyes blank with acceptance as I sink into their depths. They fill my nose and my mouth and my mind until I cannot breathe and I cannot think. But I do not struggle as I slowly submerge. For this is my fate, and there is no salvation...

February

Early morning. I am getting some work done at the computer. Eli is behind me, gliding on his scooter. Woog is at the toaster, performing his morning chore of crisping the breakfast bread. Suddenly, just when I am attempting to extricate myself from an awkward turn of phrase, Eli screams loud, long, and piercingly. I turn around, ready to tell him off for crying at the drop of a hat again, but I see something that makes my blood run cold.

Woog, for some reason only known to him, has placed the butter knife inside the oven toaster and touches its red hot tip to his brother's arm. Eli's face is purple, and he is losing his breath with his screams. The rage that comes over me is inexplicable. I grab hold of the butter knife and whap Woog on the bicep, broadside. That the knife is still hot escapes my notice as I glare at him from a red film of fury. It is only when he squeals and claps a hand to his arm do I realize what I have done.

I grab my crying boys and lead them to the nearest faucet, spraying water every which way. Atch comes downstairs, demanding the cause of the racket. When he sees the raised blistering skin of his wailing sons, none of my words can pierce through his anger. He looms over me, a stranger with hard fists.

He takes hold of his first-born's arm with tears of wrath in his eyes, “this,” he accuses me “is how he will remember you by - the monster who burned him.”

I am a mother. I am a monster. The four of us stare at each other, crying. Above us, the clock ticks ever onward to my doom.

February

The days are slow in passing, and so is the depression. The word “monster” has burned its way into my mind, like a hot brand of accusation. Already, it has made its rounds within the family, and although no one speaks it out loud

“monster...”

I see the word in their eyes

“monster...”

shining like beacons to mock my dark.

“monster...”

Only my hurt sons continue to cling to me, allowing me to smooth my apologies into their burnt skin like I do their ointment.

“monster!”

February

I am a devourer of books. I stow away in frigates and sail to far-off places in my bid to escape the world I am in. I flee my unpardonable sins. I take flight from the disillusionment in my husband's eyes. I turn tail from the unbearable people I work with each day. I am constantly on the lam from this encompassing depression. But more importantly, it is because I seek desperately to evade the glistening pink and white scar that gazes piteously up at me from Woog's arm.

William Goldman, Gail Carson Levine, Audrey Niffeneger, Annette Curtis Klause. I jump into bed with them, one after the other. Diana Gabaldon, Neil Gaiman, Cornelia Funke, Christopher Paolini, Stephenie Meyer. If they offer trilogies or novels in a series, I pursue them ever more relentlessly. In the space of two months, I have buried myself alive in 15 books.

I look up and blink around me in surprise. I find that I am in need of new glasses.

Valentine's Day

I open my eyes. Atch bends over me with a kiss and a card in his hand. The card thanks me for seven fruitful years together. Happy Valentine's Day, Aifee.

Over lunch, I hie over to his office with a gift of my own. “Here you go, fruitful,” I tell him, setting a colorful fruit compote down on his desk, “Happy Valentine's Day.”

I am constantly stuffing his lunch bag with fruits and vegetables, and with good reason. He has finally quit smoking in December, and I am insanely proud of him. Food has become a compensation for the loss of his poison sticks, and he gorges himself at every opportunity. Between the both of us, after the holidays, we have gained a good three hundred tons.

Happy Valentine's Day. He sends me off with an ardent one-sided embrace. It is the only way we can hug these days. Our bulging bellies are in the way.

February

M/V Doulos sails into our part of the backwater. A real ship. Filled with books and books and more books. The last time she was here, Eli was a toothless infant with no neck. I tell the boys about her wondrous innards, and pretty soon they are badgering their Tatay to bring them on board.

“I want to go to Doulos,” Woog nags.

“Chip, ride chip!” Eli chortles.

Resigned, Atch takes his family to the port where we feast our eyes on this seafaring missionary vessel just two years Titanic's junior.

On board, the whole city it seems, is neck and elbow amongst shelves upon shelves of books. We sweat freely while the boys dump their choice of reading material into my arms.

I am surreptitiously returning a Spanish-version Scooby-Doo board book back on a shelf when Atch hands me five cd's, his idea of digestible literature. “We're going to get ice cream, Aif,” he says before taking his sweaty self and both his sweaty sons out to the commissary, leaving me to pay for our purchases.

On the way home, it dawns on me that all I have gotten for myself is a mid-sized thesaurus and a book of household cleaning tips. No matter. I have given my boys the gift of words, and it will see them through for years to come.

Scaregiver

My sons are young and strong and resilient. They'll have to be. The world is a harsh, scary and unpredictable place, and the sooner they find out, the better it will be for them. What won't kill them will only make them stronger.

Not.

Not by a long shot, dammit!

I feel so helpless about having failed to protect and shield my babies from real life monsters. Especially if those monsters hide behind the mask of a caregiver.

Woog finally snapped and rang my office from the apartment next door. Yaya Merly had locked him out. Hot and sweaty in the noonday sun, he knocked and hollered while she ignored his pleas. In desperation, he ran to Door 4 and dialled my number. Oh bless little 6-year-old boys who have just recently learned to use the telephone!

I was speechless at her temerity. How dare her! I called her straight-away and she whined about how noisy Woog was, and how disobedient. Then she hung up on me.

We sent her away without preamble, trembling with rage at her haughty assumption that she was indispensable.

Did she hurt you, Woog? We asked. He didn't let out a single tearful word until she had packed her bags and exited the door.

Sometimes. Because I'm so misbehaved.

That he would think that of himself, my wonderfully precocious, hyperactive and insatiably curious little boy. That she had stomped down on his delicate self-esteem, stooping to the level my children, the bitch! Were she in front of me I would have punched her square on her insufferable smirk.

But she was gone, and good riddance to bad rubbish.

I blamed myself for each time I pooh-pooh'd reports from next door of how Woog and Yaya Merly held regular shouting matches: oh, he's always that noisy, I'd say. And whenever poor Eli cried while she gave him a bath, I put it down to his being skittish about water. I didn't give a single thought to why my normally sweet children were standoffish around her.

Even my own mother was vocal about how the nanny would continuously be texting on her cellphone while the baby made his own unsupervised way about the living room. She makes my blood heavy, my intuitive mother often said.

And now it comes to this. Because I didn't listen. Because I didn't take time to sit down with my babies and feel their inner temperature.

Despite the horrible guilt I harbor, I take heart that my sons are tenacious. In time, they will forget, I try to reassure myself, strengthening my resolve to be more involved and more vigilant about these two priceless jewels that I need to protect with my life.

Siesta Hour

October.

He wouldn't sleep. Not even to close his eyes and be still. He had began to yawn, but still he preferred to sit up and talk in single-word mono-syllables, ride giddy-up on piled-up pillows, and burrow under the blankets like a green-and-orange flowered ghost.

I pleaded and cajoled, scolded and screeched. I fabricated stories of red-eyed furry creatures with long sharp teeth that would burst from the windows and swallow noisy sleepless children whole. But siesta hour was fast approaching its zenith, and not a single grain from the sandman's potent arsenal had found its way into this little boy's eyes.

I was sleepy and irritable. Manong Woog, also sleepy and irritable, had scrunched into a tight ball at one corner of the bed by the wall, protecting his tenders from energetic kicks and overly enthusiastic toddler tackles. In spite of the air-conditioning, in spite of the sweetly drugging sleepy-weepy music on the cd player, in spite of my rhythmic patting of his plump thigh, Eli remained wired on the adrenalin of his very youth.

Frustrated beyond all reason, I seized about for something substantial to throw at his shrieking, bouncing self and I chanced upon Goofy, one of the stuffed animals that had taken permanent residence on his bed. Goofy stared back at me with such insufferable dumbness, sure of his place in the face of my son's sleeplessness that a red un-motherly rage shut down all sense of reason.

In front of my happy frolicking son, I started to violently slap Goofy's face. Left and right. Left and right. All the while shouting: “You horrid little dog! I'm mad at you! Mad! Go to sleep, now!”

Not content, I grabbed hold of Alligator, an ancient 3-foot relic dating back from my own childhood. I stretched poor Alligator's mouth wide by two of his remaining chicklet teeth and yelled at his soft green non-ear: “Set a good example, you %^&*@ ! Close your eyes and go to sleep! You're keeping Manong Woog awake!”

Pooh with his yellow belly fat was not spared the force of my wrath, neither was Mr. Monkey or Barney or Blue Bear. I was on a roll, vaguely aware that Eli had gone very still in the middle of the chaos of pillows and piles of blankets.

I seized Goofy on my return trip, ready for another lambasting rerun, but Eli snatched him back from my grasp with a whimper. His eyes were swimming in unshed tears and his lower lip a 5-kilo piece of blubber whose ends were quivering downwards to his collarbone. Sniffling, he crushed Goofy to his chest and gathered the rest of his stuffed menagerie closer about him. He was asleep in two point four seconds.

Behind me, Woog gave a hearty sigh of relief as he settled in for some deep slumber of his own.

Gazing at my sleeping sons, I debated whether I did the right thing. I may have solved the problem at hand, but the long-term consequences might very well translate to an adult Eli spending long hours on his therapist's couch trying to rid himself of the replaying images of his mother's stuffed animal abuse.

But then again, didn't I just teach him the value of empathy?

Feeling better about myself – after a fashion – my own sweet siesta hour began.

Zzzz-zzzz.

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself..." - Khalil Gibran

...and so I called him after lunch on a Friday, eaten by regret that I was too harsh with him for not writing down his homework, leading to my punishing him by withholding a story at bedtime, and because, still vindictive, I lashed out at him for lingering too long at the breakfast table the next morning.

So I called him and I told him I was sorry.


And he said: "That's alright, Mom. You're my only Mommy, and you're beautiful, and I love you!"

Oh be still my guilty beating heart! To be over-loved and outclassed by my achingly sweet, wonderfully forgiving little boy.

I may never forgive myself.

___________________________________________

"...they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams..."

Woogie Does Hawaii

Woog was a nervous bundle of anxiety the morning we left for Robinson's for his school's annual field trip. On this one, the kids would be paying a visit to Greenwich to learn to assemble their own pizzas.

"I don't know how to make pizza, Mom," Woog worried for the umpteenth time. And in turn, I worried about him. My normally confident and excitable four-year-old has for some reason, recently developed a case of the nerves. He obsesses about the most inconsequential of matters and frets about everything, and nothing: the night's potential bad dreams, the size of his toast, that he might miss a certain children's party, the exact placement of the food on his plate (eggs on the left, fries at 10 o'clock, ketchup dead center). He even broods about events far off into the future.

All this feverish uncertainty in one so young has me frantically nitpicking through our methods of raising him. Are we too stingy with praise? Do we not acknowledge his efforts often enough? Are we remiss in building his self-esteem? Too tough about tough love?

The list is endless, and it piles up into the huge mountain of guilt that all mothers hoist about their shoulders, like Atlas bowed underneath the burden of the world. Don't we all just wish we could do more for our children, but somehow fall short of our own expectations in doing so? I continually bash my figurative head in for failing to be more patient, more loving, and more there (as opposed to thinking about the next thing on my to-do list while Woog tells me about the events in his day).

And so there we were, the worried pair of mother and son, standing before a packed throng of kids and parents grouped around a Greenwich outlet. "Don't worry, Woog, they'll show you how to do it." I assured him with a hug. But he looked at me with clear uncertainty and even managed a faint moan of distress before his teacher roped him over with an apron and stuck him with his name tag, "Owen".

I sighed with resignation and seated myself as near him as I could get, wondering if his agitation were a result of being a year younger and a good head shorter than most of the kids in his class.

More than 50 kids from the pre-school's morning classes were seated around wooden trestle tables and cordoned off from twice the number of parents who were either seated or standing and proudly directing all manner of digicams, videocams and phonecams (yours truly included) at their prodigy.

Woog exhibiting performance anxiety

The moderator was the store's young manager, Tito Al, who carried on with all the good-natured vim and vigor of a clown hosting a children's party. The kids held their own the best they could, up until Tito Al started on an enthusiastic if long-winded narration of Greenwich's history, it's sister stores and various other pizza-pasta statistics. Truly I marveled at their staying power, this huge group of four and five-year-olds, and alas, it was soon obvious that Tito Al had no kids of his own. At least none who were pre-schoolers itching to wiggle off their seats and create chaos. Which, with much aplomb, they soon did.

Woog leading the pack into chaos

The teachers herded their charges back into their seats, only to herd them off moments later, for it was time to make their way into the kitchens.

"Do not touch the hot ovens!" Tito Al bellowed into his headset mic, and most of the parents present exchanged amused glances at the edge of desperation in his voice.

A pizza-making demonstration soon followed (much craning of kiddie necks), and after washing dozens of kiddie hands, the Greenwich staff made their rounds handing out the pizza-making ensemble for Solo Hawaiian Pizza. Through all this, Tito Al pleaded with the kids not to touch their hair/pick their noses/suck their thumbs. He was, as expected, thoroughly ignored.

Spread evenly

The general babble died down as the kids enthusiastically set to work on their respective crusts. Spoons were dropped and liquid was splattered in globulous quantities, but they gamely plodded on.

"Do not lick the pizza sauce!" Clearly, Tito Al was losing it. Woog spared me hardly a glance.

Sprinkle all around

Tito Al's frantic exhortations not to gobble up all the cheese went mostly unheeded, and more cheese had to be brought. Indulgent parents called out encouragement to their preoccupied children, also unheeded.

A million years and some thirty minutes later, the finished products were carried off on trays to be baked. Woog shot me a glance of triumph and exhilaration, and a bright ray of relief banished the cobwebs of worry in my heart. Nothing to it, Woog, I silently mouthed at him, I knew you could do it. My son glowed.

Beside me, a group of concerned mothers debated on stepping in to assist the teachers and poor Tito Al as he personally supervised one parlour game after another in an attempt to keep the kids occupied while their pizzas cooked. The earlier vim and vigor had dissipated all too soon and the poor man was at pains to keep the smile pasted on his put-upon face. Clearly this one would think it over a gazillion times before even considering the giving up of sperm in the spirit of procreation.

An excited hum arose as the smell of oven-baked spiced ham and cheese wafted over to the famished younglings. Soon, the much-awaited Hawaiian Solo pizza and softdrinks were served, and the whir of cameras proceeded, thus:

"Owwie, hot, hot!"

Hawaiian Solo ala Woog

Forget the sugar content, I'm glad you have your confidence back

The morning's end saw us waving a fond adieu to an exhausted Tito Al and the Greenwich staff, the former I'm sure entertaining second thoughts about having the pre-school's afternoon classes over for a repeat performance. Too late, man, sorry. You're booked solid for the day. I feel for you, I really do.

And I followed in the wake of my happy son as he led the rest of the gang upstairs to invade the resident Toys R Us, where the pizza-stuffed and sugar-fueled kids commenced to wreck havoc with the Mega-blocks and the Chikko jungle gyms.

No matter. All's well that ends well. Until the next anxiety attack anyway.

And I Call Myself Mother

My sister-in-law paid a visit one night while I was using the breast pump to relieve my engorged breasts. I was glad for a chance to have someone commiserate with me on my mastitis, my seriously cracked nipples, and the fact that I had banned Eli from latching on to me until I healed (the shame of it!).

Inday came upon the comic (if it wasn't so painful) sight of me with one breast on the pump, and the other poised dripping over a feeding bottle. She oooh'd over how ripe they'd become and tsk'd at the moistly dark scabs forming over the cracks on my nipples.

In my anxious miserable state, she couldn't have possibly fathomed the gratefulness I felt at having another female to share, if not the psychological, then the physical deprivation I felt of not having Eli's little face sucking away at my chest. That plus the guilt of allowing my pain threshold to overcome the maternal instinct of letting my infant suckle.

I wasn't even about to tell her what happened that morning as I gingerly tried to nurse, with Woog worming his way into my arms for attention at the same time. Truth be told, I yelled at Woog. Worse, I yelled at Eli as well. And he was in mid-smile too. This person who dared call herself “mommy” turned that sweet baby's grin upside down...waaay upside down.

We ended with Woog sulking at his desk and Eli wailing with a broken heart. What I would've given to be an ostrich and bury my head in the sand of shame.

Self-preservation aside, if there was any head-bashing to be done, mine would be the one with a dent the size of Mindanao.

Do all harassed mothers do this? I remember my mother yelling so often at all of us, but she had five kids and I only have these precious two. How could I waste this fleeting stage when both the boys still need me? It won't be long before they grow up and start needing other people, and oh how I'll regret my waspishness then.

Inday bid me goodnight and wished me luck. I was grateful for her visit, yet oddly desperate at the kind of person I think I was becoming. I have no words.

So help me God.

July 2006

Post Birth Pessimism

I am swimming in a sea of disorientation. Apart from the lack of sleep, I am in a constant state of hunger. I am striving to take care of an adamantly needy Woog, feed a voracious baby, and try to keep the room and bathroom reasonably clean.

Partly, I am in a state of disbelief that Eli turned out so dark and “Atchbund-y”. After four years of getting used to fair-skinned and comely Woog, I naturally expected the next one to be another Mommy-clone. Instead I am finding myself in very upclose and personal circumstances with a changeling (Atch forgive me). I am in denial. Oh the guilt this feeling spawns!

But he is so fat and juicy and deliciously bite-able. I can spew all that mush about my heart being so surprisingly accommodating. But I won't. I'm still so tired. And hungry. And sleepy.

Woog has suddenly become a giant. I hold this stoutly compact bundle that is Eli, and then I look at my older son, with his suddenly huge feet, his hard scabby knees, large awkward fingers, the flare of his booger-filled nostrils – and suddently I am overcome with a mild case of ... distaste? A mild case. But still. Oh the guilt!

Atch is still in full fix-it mode. He repairs the breastpump, assembles the crib, fixes the baby monitor. In between, he washes the car and supervises the fixing of nice gingery batches of hot shellfish soup to encourage my breastmilk. He even nails my broken bakya together. Yet I find myself outraged by his constant absence from my side. Like I want a vigil. And my every wish granted. Now. At this very moment. I am constantly cranky towards this lovely man who has done everthing within his means possible to make me comfortable.

Oh the guilt!

And I worry that I'll be a fit enough mother. One child, yes. But two? The feeling persists, inspired by the confluence of sleep deprivation, my bloated post-natal belly, and my stinging cracked nipples.

I hold Eli and I wonder if I should be feeling more ... maternal? Oh, but I am so tired, and hungry, and sleepy. And the room needs dusting, and there are baby clothes to launder, and the toilet bowl wants a good scrubbing, and Woog has homework to get done...

I have never felt so overwhelmed.

July 2006