Atonement

Atonement isn't all that difficult it seems, but accomplishing it is an excruciating exercise. You're aware of your attempt to make amends, and the brutal truth is, it doesn't make you feel any better about yourself.

I make another foray into the job market, chauffered by my sister Dada and her fiance. On the way back from what seems like a morning full of hope, I stop by a novelty store and get Woog a Transformers whiteboard. It is my attempt at atonement, and a sorry excuse at trying to forgive myself.

Dada laughs at me and my all too apparent intent to compensate for my shortcomings, but she stands by me anyway, nodding with approval as I make my purchase. In this, I am very much my mother's daughter. Plagued by guilt and maternal insecurity, but too busy to do much about it. Instead I shower my offspring with too many material possessions, whether they need it or not.

That Woog goes into paroxysms of delight when I give the present to him doesn't help my conscience any one bit. And so I hang up his whiteboard and he spends endless moments loudly planning what to write on it, practically oblivious to his mother standing by his side.

The next morning I take a peek at it after he leaves for school, and a fresh wave of guild assails me. Despite everything I have done, my son loves me. Would that he would do so forever...

Woog's notes to self