His Dumb Mother

Incident Number One

Sunday grocery shopping. Heap stuff on cart and leave Atch to pay for loot. Lead boys to pizza stand for snack. (Great job, mom. Ruin their appetite an hour before lunch)

Instruct Woog to hold table. Bring baby to kiosk and get the two-in-one special (cheap mommy, too).

Woog wolfs down share. Baby struggles, whines, keeps reaching for stool. (You can't sit by yourself, Eli, you'll fall off). Baby threatens mini-tantrum.

Exasperated. Plop baby down on floor to fend for himself (Fine, do whatever!) Baby grasps stool top and goes cruising down the way, shoving stool before him. Resembles miniature geriatric geezer - pushing futuristic walker. Woog laughs. Mom laughs. (Oh, so that's what you wanted, such a dumb mommy I am).

Atch returns laden with grocery bags in time to see baby plodding a hundred meters away, unsupervised, stool in the lead. Atch laughs. Until unsuspecting shopper nearly stumbles over baby. Atch totes us home, disgruntled.

Incident Number Two

Sunday afternoon. Watching Son of the Mask (dumb film, but there's super-toddler in it - boys are riveted). Woog gapes. Eli gapes. Mom....gapes.

Baby starts to whine, restless. Mom lifts shirt and absentmindedly shoves baby's face into chest. Baby is quiet. For a time.

Baby smiles, looks up from mom's empty flaps of skin. Utters words: 'Kee-'kee...

Mom looks down, smiles at baby, turns attention back to super-toddler flattening Loki's head with metal trash bins.

.....'Kee-'kee.... chlurp...chlurp...chlurp...

Yes, Eli, 'Wuv-wuv.

Chlurp...chlurp...chlurp...'Kee-'kee! (listen to me, ya dumb mom!)

Yes, Eli, 'Kee-'kee.

Baby starts to cry, 'Kee-'kee, 'kee-'kee!

Atch peeks in from kitchen. I think he wants his milky. His milky. The one in the bottle?

Oh? Oh. Ohhhh! 'Kee-'kee! His milky! (Where's ya brain, mom?)

Mom runs to fridge and gets bottle. Hands to starving baby.

'Kee-'kee, baby smiles around nipple ( I forgive ya, mom).

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Waiting for incident number three. They say dumb-dumb stops at that number.

We hope.